The Perfect Servant
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: P is for Perfection, my friends, and perfection is what Kirei summoned to take part in the Fifth Grail War. Of course, it doesn't go well for the good guys.


**The Perfect Servant**

* * *

Shirou fell to his knees.

They'd failed. It was over.

He saw the monster spawned from the Grail and knew just then that all was over.

After no less than four failures, the Holy Grail had finally been used for its intended purpose. Materialization of the Soul, the Heaven's Feel, had been regained, and had finally been used to give a proper body to a soul, in essence achieving something akin to true Resurrection with no ill effects.

It was the beginning of the end, and Shirou knew it, deep in his bones.

The creature's magenta eyes locked onto Shirou's own golden ones, and Shirou saw the smile dawning upon that deceptively handsome face, pale as snow.

It descended, slowly, the shell-like wings on its back folding little by little, until it had finally landed on the crater that dominated what was once Fuyuki's memorial to the fire that had consumed a large part of the city once.

The worst part is that the creature was clearly experiencing such joy and glee that he seemed to wish to express it in song.

"P is for Priceless, the look upon your faces," it intoned, its voice a smooth baritone that many would be envious of, looking at the clear blue sky above, "E is for extinction, all your puny races," it continued, as the others around it could but gape at it. It lowered its gaze and observed the city around them. "R for revolution, which will be televised," it added, before turning its neck around to look behind itself, where Shirou knew Rin was trying to discretly move away. It seemed to be greatly amused at the image. "F is for how fucked you are," it said, and the look on its face spoke of it making up the lyrics to its song as it went, "now allow me to reprise~!"

It was enjoying itself way too much, Shirou mused.

"E is for eccentric, just listen to my song!" it called, dramatically raising a hand to the sky as if to exemplify himself further, before clenching it into a fist and lowering it, "C is for completion, that I've waited for so long!"

Then it seemed to regain its prior composure, looking dead ahead, directly at Shirou.

"T is for the terror, upon you I'll bestow..." it said, before chuckling a bit. "My name is Perfect Cell," it said, bringing a hand up to gesture towards its chest, "and I'd like to say..."

" **Hello**."

And then all hell broke loose.

And it all left Shirou to wonder... how had it come to this?

* * *

Kirei didn't much care for the idea of summoning another servant.

Even so, Gilgamesh had agreed that it was the best course of action. Bazett had seen through his ploy and succesfully retreated before he could kill her and take her command seals. Cu Chulaínn made a powerful enemy, and Kirei understood perfectly well that, were it not for the King of Heroes' interference, Kirei would be dead and all of his plans would be in shambles.

A miscalculation as simple as misjudging the length of the woman's suit's sleeve had been enough to allow her to just barely dodge an attack that would've crippled one of her arms, and made her chances of escaping with her life, let alone defeating Kirei, almost zero, had costed Kirei so much that he had to practically rework his plans for the war from scratch.

But nevertheless, he was hardly one to give up until he'd tried hard enough.

And as he knew Assassin still had not been summoned...

He summoned without a catalyst, going for a compatibility servant. He knew almost all the strong servants he could possibly summon would likely see his head on a pike rather than aid him, so he left it to the Grail to find one that would work well with him.

Suffice to say, it was extremely odd when he summoned what appeared to be a green humanoid bug.

It wasn't quite as uncomfortable as the feeling of a deep, basic and primal fear that simply being near the creature gave him. It was a being that was not of this world, a being that was a predator... and Kirei understood that the Grail had come through. A creature that would not care about the destruction of the world. A creature that would, in fact, revel in death and destruction.

And more importantly, a strong Creature able to make it happen.

Kirei closed his eyes for a moment and visualized within himself utilizing the Master's Clairvoyance his servant's statistics.

For an Assassin, his stats read more like those of a Saber, and even then, a fairly overpowered one.

A+ in Strength, Agility and Endurance. E for Mana, which was fairly odd, and a C for luck, not too impressive.

However, it certainly did have the stats to fight toe to toe with any of the Knight Classes, or even a Berserker, and find victory.

But Kirei was more interested in the Creature's skills.

Absorption seemed quite interesting, to say the least, and with it the servant would be self sufficient, not depending on Kirei's reserves for much of anything. No Independant Action meant that it still needed Kirei to anchor him, which meant the Servant was less likely to betray him.

More interesting than that, however, was that skill named Composite Fighter, at rank EX. Apparently, it gave him the abilities of the beings which it had been cloned from. Possibly a very early homunculus created from Heroes? Certainly an idea with merit. But its name was not something Kirei recognized at all... Still, depending on how many comprised its being, it could very well be quite a few abilities.

Natural Body was strange, because it was nullified by another skill, called "Freeza Clan Mutation", which functioned as Natural Body that surpassed any that a human could achieve, allowing the servant to survive even in Outer Space without outside aid, and giving it such colossal fortitude that it could only be slain if every piece of it was destroyed, down to the last cell.

While Kirei understood that there were servants that could do exactly that, like King Arthur with her Excalibur, it was still quite impressive.

However, what Kirei found most interesting of all, was the skill called "Zenkai", its Japanese name clashing with all the English around it. The Skill activated whenever the Servant recovered from a near-death experience, giving it a full rank up in Strength, Endurance and Agility.

Coupled with its already very high stats...

Yes, it would take only a couple of brushes with death for the servant to become an entity that was essentially invincible during a Grail War.

Truly the Grail had come through for Kirei, and now it was just a matter of time.

They even had a similar goal in mind, which Kirei discovered as he spoke with his servant. It seemingly only wished to come back to life in its 'Perfect' form, as it called the end of its development cycle. Angra Mainyu could very easily ride the creature's wish into spawning itself into the world.

* * *

Assassin found Archer shortly. Kirei was impressed with its ability to track any living being on the planet. Finding the servants was easy. Even when they were trying to conceal their presence, to the creature they stuck out like giant beacons, their life force being so different from the humans that surrounded them. The odd sounds of its feet touching the roof alerted servant and master, and they both got ready.

Assassin's mouth opened in an approximation of a smile, and it leapt at Archer with such insane speed that the Servant of the Bow couldn't truly react in time. It was only through skill and a battle style developed to fight opponents better than himself in every way that allowed the Servant of the Bow to survive.

Not for very long, though, as the man in red had to retreat fairly quickly, being overpowered by Assassin.

Rin would later be heard complaining that she got an Archer that thought fighting in Melee with swords is a good idea and that she met an Assassin that seriously had the stats of a Saber, and none of it made any sense.

* * *

Illya thought that an Assassin managing to arm wrestle freaking Herakles and, even worse, WIN, just didn't make any freaking sense and the entire Grail War was bullshit.

Fortunately for her, Magic didn't need to make sense, per se, and so God Hand reduced the number of lives Herakles lost to justtwone, when he got punched through the heart, which couldn't be done twice due to the magical effect rendering Herakles immune to Assassin's A+ Strength, and when he got blasted with a Rank A+++ technique that just unleashed a blue beam that vaporized Herakles' upper body after Assassin had honest-to-goodness teleported right next to him.

Nevermind how impossible that was supposed to be, Illya mused, of course Servants can do impossible shit, that's kind of their job description, but still!

Of course, the fight also had levelled an entire city block and caused an untold number of deaths, but...

It's not like Illya gave a damn about any of that.

* * *

Assassin had actually found the entire deal of Emiya Shirou escaping from Lancer to be utterly hilarious, and had expressed as much to Kirei.

Of course, the fact that they now knew where the Master of Saber was also served as quite an interesting side note, but Kirei and Assassin both agreed to not instantly slaughter the boy, not just yet, if only to let him get used to that servant of his before crushing them, and thus having them suffer more for it.

Assassin wasn't particularly sadistic, for the most part, but it had nothing against a good bout of torture.

* * *

Assassin was...

Monstrous.

There was very little else to describe him. A monster in appearance, in behavior and in strength, it truly was a terrifying encounter.

Rin would be the first to tell you that she wished the creature was a Berserker instead, because despite all of the above qualifiers for it, one thing it wasn't was dumb. No, it was a very clever monster, one that utilized subterfuge and cheap tricks when it found itself in danger.

Danger in the shape of an eight foot tall mountain of muscle backed up by King Arthur wielding the only weapon in the war capable of killing it. Herakles knew that he'd survive a shot from Excalibur. The plan hatched to destroy Assassin was put in motion.

Herakles grabbed onto the creature with a bear hug and held it in place for as long as it took King Arthur to charge up Excalibur, and he weathered the shot even as it vaporized him, taking off no less than eight lives as it passed. It was all for the sake of destroying Assassin.

And it was a success! Assassin was hit!

Only... he didn't seem to be disappearing. Despite the fact that the only part of his that remained was his head, it wasn't disappearing, and when it did, it wasn't because it had been absorbed into the Lesser Grail, as Ilya confirmed.

Someone had taken it back.

* * *

Caster hadn't thought twice of rescuing Assassin. She planned to get it to betray its master and serve her instead.

But Assassin recovered without her help, and before she could do much about it, it had stuck its tail onto her, and drained her dry.

Just like that, Caster had died, and Assassin had become more humanlike, but at the same time, even more repulsive than before. Close, but not quite, reaching a bit of an uncanny valley between inhuman and human.

Caster's master followed shortly after.

* * *

Kirei's eyes closed. "Hm... Your stats... increased more than they should have. And your shape has changed."

"I am surprised, just as you are," the creature said. "My form shifted, I am semi-perfect. It should not have, my body was designed to shift forms when my other two components were absorbed, my brother and my sister... But this is not an unwelcome development..."

Kirei nodded. "Then perhaps," he muttered. "As you are right now, it should be possible for you to win even single handedly. It's time to bring this war to an end."

* * *

It hadn't taken very long for Assassin to destroy the other servants.

Berserker had been killed time and time again with different abilities, each of them high ranking martial arts techniques.

Archer had been killed by the sheer, immense difference in physical capabilities.

Lancer had fallen even though his sure-kill Noble Phantasm had hit true.

Rider had barely been a threat, with her incompetent, pathetic master. Both of them, in Kirei's opinion, were quite worthless.

Even Saber, the favorite for every war, had been overpowered and slain in the end.

Not even Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes, had seen this war through to the end, his pride and arrogance sealing his doom.

As everyone lay defeated, Kirei and Assassin got their wishes granted, and Assassin was reborn.

* * *

Angra Mainyu was swallowed by the entity known as Perfect Cell.

It's not like it cared.

The world was going to end soon, anyway, and so would its existence with it. Might as well continue on as part of a greater whole.

* * *

It didn't take very long for Fuyuki City to be host to every Type in the Solar System. Even the Dead Apostles and Primate Murder had shown up for Earth's wrap up party. Alaya had invited herself along, accompanied by a host of its own attack dogs.

But seeing them all, Kirei could only beam in satisfaction, as his servant flew high above.

* * *

Really, Cell mused, these immortal creatures were very, very annoying. Of course, their magical effects were starting to wear on his patience, as well. Were it not for the cells of Piccolo, once the Guardian and God of a planet himself, he would probably be having a way worse time than he was having right now.

But he quickly grew tired, and he knew through his former master's knowledge that there was really only one way to get rid of them, in such a way that they stopped reviving no matter how many times he killed them.

Their power came from the planet that spawned them.

Therefore...

"BEAT IT!" he shouted, backhanding Type Mercury into the sky. "AND TAKE YOUR PLANET WITH YOU!" he added, cupping its hands behind himself. He quickly charged up an attack with a mere fraction of his power. "KAMEHAMEHA!"

The beam hit the crystal spider thing and pushed it all the way to where Cell knew Mercury to be. When it impacted the surface of the planet, it exploded, completely destroying the planet, just like that, and finally ending the insufferable immortal creature as well. And even if it was still alive, it was probably stranded in space with nobody to give it back up power, so good riddance either way. If it came back, Cell would just use Instant Transmission to drop it somewhere even further away.

Really, these things were just so annoying!

And quite a few of the annoying gnats were from this planet...

Well, he considered what he was about to do highly ironic. "Okay, planet, give me that stupid energy," Cell coerced, raising his hands and ignoring the barrage of attacks that bounced off the field of ki around him.

Even against its will, the planet could do nothing but submit to his superior willpower and was forcefully drained of its energy, forming a colossal blue sphere above him.

"This is the end!" he shouted, tossing it down at the ground and laughing like a maniac.

The last thing any of those maggots saw was the light of their own planet's life force bearing down on them.

Well, from what Kirei had told him, the Planet had apparently been trying to get rid of humanity for a long time, for some reason. Well, its wish was granted. No more planet, no more humans, and it was even done with the planet's own energy!

Well, now that this business was over and done with, Cell had more important things to do.

He could not face Son Gohan as he was right now. He'd just lose again.

Thus, he set off to train.

One year later, he'd visit Earth, finding a Gohan who hadn't trained, who hadn't mastered the second level transformation, and a Vegeta who had not quite achieved it yet.

They didn't last very long against him.

A little over a decade of training (because he had nothing better to do and the Saiyan cells in him screamed at him to do so) later, he found himself faced with an obese and pink manchild and a wrinkly midget.

The pink thing was a fun challenge, but only just, and even then, only because its regeneration seemed superior even to Cell's own.

But ultimately, it was only a temporary alleviation of a problem Cell found himself saddled with.

The rest of his existence was filled with only training and massive boredom.


End file.
